Head in Sand

Recently two contrasting events stuck me in equal measure. A Member of Parliament thrashed an airline official (aged 60) for alleged misbehaviour. While the incident caused much outrage, the minister was unapologetic, instead saying that he had done it rightfully. Only when he was barred from all airlines for some days, did one get a half-hearted message of regret. Not a simple and straight ‘I am sorry’. While he may have not apologised because he was not remorseful, but the question to ask is would he have apologised had he been remorseful? I am not sure. We do not have that tradition in India, least of all among the people in power.

Now the second incident - in a recent public interaction, Abhinav Bindra, professional shooter and India’s sole individual Olympic Gold winner (in 2008) talked about his disappointing performance in the 2016 Olympics where he finished fourth. He mentioned later how he had been diagnosed with a neurological condition few years earlier which caused tremors in his hand. ‘Shooting with a trembling hand’ can be an idiom for trying to achieve something with acute disadvantage. In addition, his rifle malfunctioned just before the shooting began at the 2016 Olympics - talk about everything going against you. But this is what Abhinav Bindra had to say about his poor performance: "I ended up fourth in the Olympic Games in Rio and it wasn't because of neurological conditions, because of a tremor in my hand or because the sight on my rifle broke. The fact is that I ended up fourth because I wasn't good enough and that's important to know". I almost choked with emotion. It is so rare and yet beautiful to find admission of weakness. I am sure most people find admission of a mistake similarly touching. It is because all of us have weaknesses and all of us make mistakes, yet very few admit to either. Instead most like to maintain a facade of invincibility and perfection. For the more sensitive and self-critical, it can be misleading and unnerving to see every body around him so perfect.

Another person I have noticed being forthcoming in apologising is the Canadian PM Justin Trudeau. For Indians, the famous one is the formal apology for racist Komagata Maru incident (wherein more than 100 years ago, a Japanese steamship carrying passengers of Indian origin was not allowed to dock at a Canadian port, as per the then prevailing laws). He has also issued national apology for persecution of gay Canadians. But more than national apologies, he is willing to personally apologise for small misdemeanours - in Valentine's Day messages to Quebec anglophones, he expressed "sincere regrets" for refusing to answer questions in English; he also apologised for manhandling fellow parliamentarians (I saw the video, it was nothing given the ruckus we are used to in Indian legislative bodies). Mr. Trudeau appears to be profoundly unassuming. If it is political I do not know, but for one growing up in a country where people are pathologically against apologising, he is a refreshing role model.

Apologising, in private or in public takes courage, which many people are not able to muster. And acceptance of a mistake is close to acceptance of a shortcoming. Just like people find it difficult to say ‘I made a mistake’, saying ‘I cannot do this’ is equally tough. Both require a pricking of the ego, and ego is something we hold dearest. Admitting to a incapability makes a person more amenable to overcoming it or at least seek help from somebody who is better. By closing ourselves from accepting any weakness, we shut out any external source of help. Societies are increasingly interlinked and complex and people are getting increasingly specialised. So, while our needs have multiplied, our skills are very specific. For most things, we need help from others. While most people may be able to say ‘This is outside my domain of expertise’, saying ‘I need help in this’ is very difficult. Recently, I saw ads targeting people with mental ailment of ‘depression’, asking them to speak up and take help. Most people do not face situation as severe as depression, but everybody feels the need for help but most do not ask.

For those like me who spend much of conscious time in corporate environment, non-acceptance of mistakes/shortcomings (sometimes blatant) is a given, frustrating though it may be. Every action, every muscle movement, every utterance is linked to ‘appraisal’, to the pay packet. So saying that ‘I am sorry, I goofed up’ is to say goodbye to the increment. So most often people will keep trudging along with mediocrity making sure that they are not found out, instead of raising hand and saying ‘I need help’. Not taking help in something we are not good at also undermines something we are good at. Because we waste a lot of time, effort and bandwidth on our inadequacies instead of taking external help, we are not able to focus and strengthen our domain. Thus what we achieve is mostly an average of competencies and incompetencies.  

What is the real challenge? Some part is our base instinct, which is premised on competition, on superiority over other species. To be able to compete effectively, one has to be the best version of oneself. And then there is posturing - to appear to be better than you actually are. This thought process makes saying ‘I am sorry’ or ‘I made a mistake’ a sign of weakness. In addition this is a reflection of cultural and societal paradigms. Is the society forgiving towards mistakes and deficiencies? Does it believe in second chances? Does it give respect to one seeking forgiveness or help, or does it kick such a person in the shins? Mostly in Indian society I have seen this not to be the case. We have the concept of ‘kshama’ (or forgiveness). But mostly, I have seen people not willing to forgive? And thus nobody is willing to ask for it. An extreme example is how do we treat criminals of any degree. Do we allow them to enter the mainstream after they have served their punishment? A student who fails tends to get stigmatised. Our education system rarely allows a student to correct his course once he realises he is not good in the subjects that he has chosen. So if you have studied ‘Commerce’ in graduation, you cannot study ‘History’ post graduation. Even if you can do, your social circle will already brand you as a failure. Even on Indian roads, the rule is that even if you are the one who made a mistake in an accident, don’t accept it. Instead, be very quick in finding fault with the other side. And as one goes up the social hierarchy, it is made more difficult to apologise or accept inadequacy. I have never seen any individual in Indian politics or corporate do it (in case of politician they know that the legal system is flexible enough for them to flourish even after they are accused of any crime, so why get into the trouble of acknowledging). We rarely hear any celebrity admitting to any mistake, because it is generally believed that their popularity would diminish, their marketability wanes, the business loses.   

Nevertheless, saying ‘I am sorry’ or ‘I am not good enough’ can be the toughest yet the most therapeutic thing ever. It frees up the mind, it takes away a big burden, it relieves and releases. To the person on the other side too, it can be the most beautiful thing. Not that it gives a superior upper hand or bragging right. Instead it brings believability, truth, trust, and honour.